Thanks for the Angst

 

Quote of the day from Jodie Picoult.  "Anxiety is like a rocking chair.  It gives you something to do but it doesn't get you very far."

At the end of December I seemed to be having a renaissance when it came to productivity and creativity.  I was not only writing blog articles on a weekly basis, sometimes it was on a daily basis.  I had worked a few months with a therapist to come to terms with my job loss, and to develop strategies for reclaiming my life.  It was working.

I was feeling so good that I dismissed my therapist.  Then came January 6.

Watching the Capitol building overrun by domestic terrorists, I felt something that I had not felt since 9/11. It was that same feeling, wondering how could this be happening?  I was brought up in a family of staunch Republicans that voted in every election, flew the American flag in our yard, wore flag pins and brooches, and brought me up to respect our democractic institutions.  I have many family members who have defended the constitution with their military service during wars and confilicts.  Although I would vote as a Democrat or Independent in future elections, their traditions and respect for the democratic process stuck with me.

When things are going well, my anxiety can be controlled if I follow the professional advice I have been given.  When I had a work schedule, it was easy, my day was already planned for me.  Without having to go to work I was advised to plan my day as if I were working.  Decide what you are going to do the following day.  Set goals.  Get dressed and showered before noon.  Stop feeling guilty for working on things that matter to you.  If I'm not cleaning the house 24/7, it doesn't mean I am a failure or not contributing to our household, or letting my husband down.  

I have been finding myself slipping back into the old habits that got me in trouble in the first place.  Get up, have breakfast, turn on the TV.  Be stunned and disheartened by the news.  Tune into the daily covid briefing around 11:30.  Walk around the house getting things partially done and feel no sense of accomplishment.  The worst part is the silencing of my creativity.  I had all kinds of thoughts and aspirations and desires to write, research and create art.  I had unique thoughts that easily flowed from my fingertips through the keyboard and electronically out to the world wide web.

I need to get it back, but I am thinking my creative self is going to be stifled for the next few weeks.  I vow not go go down the rabbit hole of anxiety, to the point of no return.  I will be back.  But I can't watch the events that are unfolding without being overwhelmed, dismayed, and heartbroken.  It would be one thing if the entire nation could agree that what happened in the Capitol was wrong, but too many voices are trying the "What about..." and creating false equivalencies.  Whenever I think a line is drawn in the sand, when something has gone too far, there is something that comes along to show that it can get worse before it gets better.

Hoping for better days and hoping if someone else feels the same way, know that you aren't alone.  Just keep swimming and keep your head above water.